Wednesday, January 27, 2010

This is how it works.

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.

He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money..The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, newmakeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

He is very impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggestBoobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I don't believe a word of it!

First, no woman I've ever met would ever tolerate the man having two other "likely candidates".

Second, they would never tell him "it's because I love you so much", he's supposed to "know" with out her saying a word.

Third, she already knows that she is the "Hawtest Thang" he ever saw. so she doesn't need a make over.

Fourth, she would never buy him things that would distract him from her.

Fifth, although the woman is certainly competent to invest in the stock market and gain great returns, she wouldn't give it back, and the only thing she would buy is shoes.

Finally, the guy wouldn't give her money because he already knows all the above, and he knows who has the biggest boobs anyway.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Elephant in the Room

I went to say good by to a friend today. She is the sister I always wanted, and tells me I am the brother she never had. Very high praise indeed.

She is the person who, as far as I know, has never done a bad thing to anyone. I have known her for thirty years, and will miss her for as long as I live.

She moved away several years ago and I lost track. A time or two I would run into mutual friends who would give me up dates. Like most people I was so busy trying to live that I lost touch with the very best people I know.

One friend told me she had developed breast cancer and another told me she was in remission. I didn't even know where to start looking to find her.

Just past the end of my nose would have been a start, but I was so busy.

While Christmas shopping I ran into a mutual friend who knew what was going on, the lady told me that she has bone cancer, that has spread to her brain.

TLOML and I resolved that I should visit and be quick about it, for that chance once lost could not be recovered. I called a friend today to start tracking her down, and found she was visiting her old home near here. I made a call and as quick as I could drove to where she was.

I held the speed down to something under a hundred. There was no reason to hurry, but I wanted to have as much time with her as I could. Walking in was as hard as anything I have done in a long time.

Manly image and expectations be damned. I wanted to be strong for her, well, I blew that one out my whatever. After a litte while I calmed down enough to feel her acceptance of her fate. She was not bitter or afraid. I hope that when my time comes I can muster one tenth of the grace she wears like a crown.

We visited for about four hours and I held her hand the whole time. We talked and laughed about all our old friends and things we had done. We spent our time catching up on all the things I had missed.

We talked about everything except the elephant in the room.

When I finally had to say good bye, and it was a final farewell, for I know I will never see her in this life again, we gently touched the subject.

I kissed her forehead and her hand and told her that I loved her and would miss her forever.

An angel will soon leave us and the world will be a poorer place with out her.