Allergy

I have developed a positive allergy to shoe leather.

Every time some jackass sticks a boot in my butt,

I get a positive rash and a bad attitude!

Remember,,,,,, I'm from the south, I don't do hurry up!

The china shop dwelling bovine hired to apply said leather, avoids me.

When I see him, I put him to work helping me with the heavy lifting

You just have to make your weakness your strength.

Elevator tactics

I have learned something. (imagine that!)

If you are on a crowded elevator, the loud announcement "I HAVE GAS!" will get you all the room there is, and a path to the door with no hassles.

Just in case you need to know.

Monsters in the yard

I found a pair of these growing in my yard, had no clue as to where they came from or what they were. Seems they are European imports spread by bugs.

They are a variety of stink horn.

The things look like monsters breaking through the ground, small but disgusting.

.

Some say they are edible, some say not.

.

I'll never know.

Evil just got a bath.....

The Kitty above is fifteen years old, and has never enjoyed a single bath. She gets 'em. she just doesn't like 'em.

I'm afraid.

The Conservative ticket

Write me in for President, here is my platform
(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language, speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Walmart' policy 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't getting nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences, if convicted you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on any one's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.

Over at the Moral Compass (http://amoralcompass.blogspot.com/ ) His platform for running for President.

Too bad he's not a real candidate

Lucky Man

Ok, if you get arrested in Harlan County, Kentucky and come out in the same condition you entered. Praise you lucky stars. If you insult ladies there and get the chance to apologise. You are indeed blessed.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,410422,00.html

Idiot!

Change What????

Plagiarizer In Chief
Way back in 1987, Biden was riding high in the presidential race -- widely regarded as a serious contenders for the Democratic party's nod.
Then Neil Kinnock happened. Biden borrowed passages of a speech given by Kinnock, a leader in Britain's Labour Party, without attribution -- a mistake that led to a detailed examination of Biden's public statements that turned up several more examples of potential plagiarism and resume inflation. The feeding frenzy eventually chased the Delaware senator from the race.

Washington Insider
The central tenet of Obama's campaign message is that if Americans want to change their government, then they have to change the people they send to Washington.
Picking Biden, who has served in the Senate for the better part of the last four decades, seems to run counter to that core message. Biden was elected to the Senate at age 29 and spent only four years after graduating from Syracuse Law School in 1968 working in the private sector before entering public life.
Biden has long been a regular on the Sunday talk show circuit and is one of the pillars of the Democratic party establishment. His accomplishments -- of which there are many -- all were achieved as a senator operating inside the deepest heart of political Washington.

Joe Loves Joe
One of the most overlooked episodes during the 1987 collapse of Biden's campaign was a snippet of footage captured by C-Span in which the Delaware senator, in response to a question about where he went to law school and what sort of grades he received, delivered this classic line: "I think I have a much higher IQ than you do."
While any human being -- especially a candidate for president who is constantly being poked and prodded -- can be forgiven a momentary flash of temper, Biden's detractors point to that incident as evidence that the senator thinks he is the bee's knees and doesn't care who knows it.
Biden, by his own admission, has the capacity to fall in love with his own voice and wander off on tangents about his life that have nothing to do with the topic at hand.

All the above is from the Washington Post. The great purveyor of change has just selected an old school politician as running mate. The greatest change will likely be a tax increase. The proliferation of arrogant, racist, elitist politicians certainly won't be a change.

What Indeed???

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Ohmy God, what have I just said?

I'm glad I read that, if I had heard it, I would have blown snot bubbles in my beer!

Hat tip to Diamond Mair.

Odumbo the post turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.Eventually, the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'"The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb asses put him up there."[Source: Death By 1,000 Papercuts]

Stolen from Blond Sagacity

A semi successful day

We have been praying for rain for so long the entire county is hoarse. Now the rains come when I need to work outside, normal at least.

I found the leak on the dish washer and fixed that with a new hose.

I hung the riding mower up from a hoist and gutted it like a deer, parts are on order.

Tomorrow I'm going to ride the bike over to sign my contract for the fall, 42 days in Connecticut.

In the afternoon I am going to the range and bust a bunch of caps! I decided a long time ago, if I get stopped on the way to or from the range, I'll just throw the keys to the center line of the road and spread eagle on the shoulder. When they look in the back, nothing I say will ever convince them that I'm not about to start a war.

Oh! Well! If you're going to play, then play hard!

A laugh from the Love Of My Life

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq/Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and candidates for President of the United States. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6 managers.

It's getting ugly

Is this where we're going?

This is perfect! Go read it.
http://oneroughdiamond.blogspot.com/2008/06/from-my-colonel.html

How would any of this be explained to children?

One Tree Hill ?

Some folks may know of the adolescent drama One Tree Hill, I've never watched it. It's filmed in a nearby area. I was looking around on Google Earth and spotted the area, and the tree shown in the advertisements.

We went down for a look while in the area.

There are actually three trees on that hill, and it's not a hill.

It's actually the Bradford Battery, a gun emplacement that is part of Fort Fisher, the site of the largest sea battle of the War of Northern Aggression.

I wonder what imaginative individual came up with the idea.

Well.... how would one explain this???

Your results:
You are Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command)

Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command) 80% Malcolm Reynolds (Captain) 70% Wash (Ship Pilot) 70% Jayne Cobb (Mercenary) 70% Derrial Book (Shepherd) 70% Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic) 65% Alliance 55% Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic) 50% River (Stowaway) 30% A Reaver (Cannibal) 10% Inara Serra (Companion) 0%

Dependable and trustworthy. You love your significant other and you are a tough cookie when in a conflict.

Too cute!!!

If your computer needs to be cleaned out here's the dude for the job.

http://www.roberthein.dk/screenclean.swf

Chuck on the rampage,,,,

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Tough-guy actor and martial arts expert Chuck Norris sued publisher Penguin on Friday over a book he claims unfairly exploits his famous name, based on a satirical Internet list of "mythical facts" about him.
Penguin published "The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 facts about the World's Greatest Human" in November. Author Ian Spector and two Web sites he runs to promote the book, including www.truthaboutchuck.com, are also named in the suit.

These guy's should go get a lottery ticket, 'cause they're lucky he's matured and is only suing them!

I want this man in office!

Paul Brant considers himself a penny pincher, but his savings in quarters and dollar coins really paid off.
Brant, 70, used more than $25,000 in change to help buy a new Dodge Ram half-ton pickup truck Friday _ 13 years after buying another truck with spare change.
"(The old truck) didn't have four-wheel drive, and living in the country, I figured I better get a new one to help get me through the snow," he said.
Brant said he was raised to be thrifty. His father always paid in cash and saved up loose change to take vacations.
Brant has been storing his change for years, and estimated he had about $26,000 in coins for Friday's purchase. In 1994, he bought a Dodge pickup and a Dodge Neon using about $36,000 in quarters.
"As long as you don't put your hands back in the till, it really adds up," he said.

That statement should make him a shoo in for a congressional office. "Keep your hands out of the till" what a concept!
Stolen from the Town Hall.

There may not be scientific proof,,,,

But my best guess is, cell phones suck the IQ points right out of your head if you're driving. Almost every time I see someone behind the wheel of a car doing under the speed limit, driving erratically, running a red light, or about to pile-drive a pedestrian in a parking lot, there is a cell phone to their ear.

I can't believe there are that many retarded people with drivers licence.

It must be the cell phones.

It's finally raining here. My yard is full of drip cords, and running full Christmas lights, every noise makes me cringe, I am expecting the whole house to disaperate in a cloud of electric sparks.

Wouldn't the neighbors be amused!

The Scandinavians drink a winter time concoction called Glogg, we bought some to taste. It says to mix with rum or vodka in equal parts. All I've got to say about that is they must have a real fondness for cough syrup. Unfortunately I don't! Well not too expensive, I guess, you couldn't pay me the bottle price to get me to drink more, so I guess I can save it for a cold. I expect something horrible to drink then.

I'm looking for a range bag to carry for a lunch box. Several years ago I bought a 48 can canvas cooler to carry to work. It's wearing out at the corners and dropping the contents every where. I like pockets and pouches to separate the odds and ends, so I went back to the original store to get another Th only one available was in a color sure to start a fight if I come strolling in with the bag on my arm.

I figure a range bag in heavy nylon and black or cammo with monster zippers will last a while and save me from providing an acute education to a loud mouth.

I was mean today, a blond teenager passed me on the right and cut back in front of me at a light. So I put my fingers on the horn button and concentrated on the light. At about point six (.6) seconds into the green I held the button down and gunned the engine, as the SUV in front of me started to move I dumped the clutch and rode her bumper for about twenty feet. Then I drove the speed limit and continued my business. She was speeding, and well out of my way.

Best idea yet,

Stand up for your right to not be controlled by the perpetually offended. From an E-mail.


I will be making a conscious effort to wish everyone a Merry Christmas .. My way of saying that I am celebrating the birth Of Jesus Christ. So I am asking my email buddies, if you agree with me, to please do the same. And if you'll pass this on to your email buddies, and so on... maybe we can prevent one more American tradition from being lost in the sea of "Political Correctness".

If your chosen religion, or non religion, as the case may be, does not have a holiday of significance to you, at this time of year, please feel free to enjoy mine. This enjoyment is not conditional on belief, but rather, on your good will, and tolerance. This is not a licence to change my holiday to something other than what it is intended.

Enjoy it, or leave it alone, your choice.

Try to make me feel guilty, or change it from something enjoyable, that comes with a free Ass Kicking.

Don't worry, we'll tell you Merry Ass Kicking, as we cruise out of sight.

How do you put a bow on that?

It's not an earthquake

.

I'm taking dancing lessons.



Troll in slippers, whirling with the grace of a druken Yak, the Love of My Life is risking her dainty little toes.



The joy that is mine.