Post Graduate Redneck

I think all of us get a little blush around the collar sometimes. Then there are the outstanding types that LawDog calls "critters", always in trouble, always persecuted by the law, always have a case pending in court. I know this will come as a great shock, it's never their fault.

One such pillar of the community, a brother to a long time friend, has some interesting stats to his credit. Five deaths to his credit, that we know of. One of them his friend (?) and running buddy. One was the sheriff's cousin, that would be the only one that sent him to jail. A few unrelated traffic deaths and couple of unreported felonies, I guess those don't really count, no charges were filed.

He is the only person to "volunteer" for the Army at the direction of a judge, that I am personally aware of, though I have heard the rumors for years.

The critter in question had spent several interesting days before the bench of a judge in our county. This was several interesting episodes into a long rap sheet. The judge was rapidly losing patience with convoluted explanations that relied on everyone lying, except our critter, of course. The final straw of that haystack escapes me now, what matters is critter decides he has put up with all the ill treatment he is going to! He will strike back!

Not all of his extended family are criminals, just most of them, and those who are possessed of an IQ greater than a ground squirrel tell him that there are alarms on the court house. Not to be deterred our master crook decides he has taken enough $H!t from the judge and will return the favor. One dreary rainy night the brain trust jimmy's a door, goes to the court room that he knows so well, climbs to the judges bench, drops laundry, and assumes the position. The deputies are watching and turn the lights on just in time to reduce the charges to mearly breaking and entering.

The Judge is not amused, I expect everyone in the room was howling and holding their sides, but not his honor. The merciful judge, in an ineffective attempt to keep the buffoon out of the big house, gives the loon a choice. Army or jail, he chose Army.

Big surprise! What really startled everyone was he made E5 in two years. The thing that didn't surprise anyone was he killed some dude on a train in the Alps and threw him off the train in the winter.

The Judge hoped that a little discipline would straighten him out. It just gave him a little more experience and training. After coming home (packing a block of C4 he "found" somewhere) everyone sort of avoided stepping on his toes for a while. The explosives are in the land fill now (and no I didn't put them there). Some one at the bank made him mad a few years back and he was asking me to get him a LAW rocket. I never even asked why, I just made my excuses and left. Nothing good would come from that conversation.

I made the statement that education is where you find it. This critter found it while some irate male relatives of a local girl are trying to kill him when he is in his house. Discharging a weapon into an occupied dwelling being illegal in most places, critter called 911, and low and behold the law shows up and hauls the shooters away. These were young LEOs who didn't know critters address or their response might have been delayed.

He is shocked that he wasn't in another car, and realised that he could play victim and make out! The feline is out of the sack for sure, critter can now say or do almost anything and not get arrested. The law will even protect him! His next bout with education came when he,,,upset,,, a gentleman who swatted him across the bean with a piece of pipe. Close call there, the gentleman almost made the world a safer place.

He learned that if he can suck up the punishment, the other guy will have to support him! So far his calculations have kept him from pushing anyone so far as to kill him, I think it's just a matter of luck, eventually the deed will get done.

Why bring all this dreck up?

If the good Judge had put him in the big house sooner, several people would be alive today. Someone else may have waxed the folks in question, but we can't know. The provable fact is after five years in the pen for killing the sheriffs cousin,(a good shoot by the way, defending the life of a third party) he started to watch his ways and stay out of those positions that would have him bent over in the prison system.

Interestingly enough, the critter was my son's babysitter for a while, no one could have asked for a better or more faithful caregiver.

Go figure.