Friday, February 2, 2007

Delivering Babies

Over the course of my life I have come as close to ushering someone off to their reward as I care to. Damn close a couple of times, just a couple of pounds more on the trigger and the world would have been a little cleaner. The perps in question saw the light, that would be the one right behind my eyes, and developed an acute case of good sense.

Problem solved.

With the possibility of taking someone out of this life, comes the desire to bring some one in. I have always wanted to deliver a baby. The poor sprout would probably be scarred for life if they looked up to see me as their first sight, good thing they squeeze their little eyes shut against the light. I guess it's a good thing after all that it’s never worked out. As the man said, close but no cigar.

I was on duty with the "X" and another girl from the squad, having dinner at Jose's diner, when the radio tones out our station. Boopsie (not her real name) tells us "twenty four year old female, very pregnant, contractions, in labor for five hours." They waited for five hours to call for transport? Why? We'll never know. At any rate the three of us hot foot it back to the station, pile in the unit, drive back around the block to the house across the street from our restaurant, and stroll inside.

Yep, we ran further than we drove.

When I get in the door I hear the call "in here". I peep in and see the mother to be, on the sofa, mid-contraction, nothing touching the sofa but head and heels. She looked like a fat rainbow. I grinned at her and said "Good one huh?" She looked up grinned back and said "Damn right" Loved her on the spot. I sat down and gave her two fingers to hold to and asked the questions, how close and how long? She said three minuets and lasting one minuet. So I asked, your first, nope she says, fourth.

Uh! Oh!

You about to have this child? Nope my water hasn't broken; when it does it will be quick.

Where is the stretcher? This is one of those hundred year old hysterical houses, built before any code, renovated a dozen times, but the hall is still too narrow to turn the cot. Bummer! I tell daddy to be, here hold her hand, he gives her four fingers, and commences to flop like a carp on the bank as she clamps down when a contraction starts.

I break the stretcher down, fold it up, and push it into the room, the girls aren't very mechanical. We load her up and whiz over to Stump Water General. The problem is good ole Stump Water don't deliver unless it's an emergency. Supper is gonna be cold.

After an examination by the ER Doc and the senior nurse we get permission to transport. While we are putting her on the stretcher, I look her in the eye and tell her, "If your water breaks on the way, they're gonna have me deliver the sprout, I'll have to look up your skirt you know." She looks right back and says”Honey, you might as well, every one in the county has looked up there tonight.” Now that’s a good sport.

We are up to warp speed quickly; with three girls in the back having a giggle fit over God only knows what. I am running lights and music and occasionally demonstrating the “Moses effect” with the air horn. The first time I hit the horn, MTB jumped so hard I thought she was going to get out and race me. We get to the Regional Hospital and Valet Parking Facility, and hustle her up to the maternity floor. We wave ‘by and head home.

Several months later I see her at the grocery store and get the rest of the story. The delivery Doc checks her again, just after her water breaks. She tells him it will be very soon. He being wise in the ways of babies disagrees. You haven’t dilated enough.

Jack**s, you were warned!

He started to leave and as an after thought, pulled up the tail board on the delivery table. When brainy boy was about two steps out of sight, daddy holds one knee while her mother holds the other, two contractions back to back, and baby is lying on the tailboard. I can just see what would have happened if the absent physician hadn't pulled the board. Yo-Yo on the umbilicus. Luck smiled and all was well.

Now occasionally I get screamed at from across a parking lot,”Hey, come look at your baby!”

I can only imagine what the church ladies are thinking.

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