Friday, February 16, 2007

Fire in the hole, or rat killing Hill Style

I have friend who has been a co-conspirator for thirty years. Someday I may have to write a book about him and his family. Then again if I did no one would believe me, David Copperfield, Oliver Twist and Scrooge all rolled into one. A more twisted up person you will never meet outside of a loony bin.

His dad, brother and stepfather are all murderers, no kidding. The only people on this planet that scare him are his immediate family. He decided from a young age that an education was the only way to get away from his upbringing. He was right about that, he just, should have stuck with it. He, by some trick of fate, got a degree in education, and moved to Florida to teach in a ghetto school. That's a whole raft of stories in itself. He was married to a sweet young thing from New Jersey, who could have played the line for the Steelers. This woman was big, mean and mouthy. Not to mention somewhat football shaped: little feet, pointy head, and significant girth.
She had a voice that made you comfortable with fingernails on the chalk board.

They were out and about and had left their puppies tied to the back porch post. When they returned the dogs were going nutzoid at the back door. He, being quick on the uptake, college ed-u-cated and all, immediately sez “Theres something in there!”

No kidding.

The line backer unties the dogs, a poodle and a sheltie, and they all burst into the house. The dogs run to the cook stove and raise mortal hell.

The college grad-u-ate sez “Theres something in there!”

No Kidding.

He reaches down to the drawer on the bottom of the stove and snatches it open, out pops a Warf Rat custom made for a four inch drain pipe. The rat dodges around the corner and ducks down the shower drain where he came in, dogs in noisy pursuit. The linebacker has levitated to the top of the table screaming and squealing fit to bust an ear drum.

IQ’s are now deep into the negative numbers.

He has to DO SOMETHING!!!

He snags his .50cal muzzle loader and pours in a double charge and rams a patch, runs to the bathroom and jams the muzzle into the drain. When he touched it off, he realized something BAD was happening when the fire backed up out of the hole, and broke two five gallon water jugs.

The dogs join the linebacker.

I my minds eye I can see the rat, launched out of the drain pipe, like a hairy cannon ball, tail on fire.

The boys ears were ringing so bad he was answering the phone for weeks and no one was calling.

Let this be a lesson, stop, think, plan, before you blow something the heck up.


Flo said...

Oh no, where's the fun in stopping and thinking? And then where would you and AD and LD get your great stories to tell the rest of us about?

jon spencer said...

Should have used one of these.