Saturday, February 10, 2007

Partying with the Tick Head

Long ago and far away some of the boys felt the need to wish a fond farewell to one of our shift who was about to plummet into the depths of matrimony, again. We loaded up two or three carloads of judgmentally impaired nukes, and headed to the nearest center of debauchery. The bunch started off with a slight buzz, and went down hill from there.

If you can imagine a giggling gaggle of goobers galumphing around, spring loaded in the f**kup position, that’s us! We stopped in the first gentlemen’s club we came to, grabbed chairs, and stared at the employees.

I am here to testify, they were worth staring at. Each and everyone was a charter member of the overdeveloped and underdressed sorority. I don’t know how much of what was real, nor did I care at the time. There wasn’t a tan line in the house. Oh, how I love the beach.

This was a great place to get rid of major amounts of cash, either in the form of dollar bills or credit card slips. Some of us less sophisticated types just brought what we could afford to toss away, and left it at that. One of our crew was a little more crafty than the rest of us.

I don’t know how many bars one has to be tossed out of to learn that the bouncers don’t check to see if your tab has been paid, or the credit slip signed, but our little buddy “Tick Head” was experienced. He whipped the Amex card out handed it to the beer maid, and just kept telling her later. We all ordered large containers of our favorite pickling fluids and set to with a will. The only one not drinking was the groom to be.

After a couple of hours, I think, it’s all still a little fuzzy, Tick Head started a little game. He would wander around the place until he caught a dancer bent over and run up behind her and get close enough to fog her g-string with his breath, she would whirl around and take a swing at him, he would duck and run. Reset, repeat, until the bouncer noticed. Biggest man I’ve ever seen, snagged the Tick by the collar and launched him like a soggy cruise missile, into the parking lot. The bouncer then told me to get the whole bunch out, now!

Yessir, on our way, sir.

The tab had to be a couple of hundred bucks, but sans autograph, it's worthless.

It was a little ways to our motel rooms on the beach, we checked in, got to the room, and Tick heads party detector went into over drive. That boy could find a party in a graveyard. He took off and the wiser, or maybe the drunker of us decided to call it a night. The groom to be went home, and the Tick started a fight. He wasn’t a big guy, but he sucker punched some dude off a balcony anyway. I never found out why. Thank God he was close to the ground. Some of the guys felt a lot more responsible for him than I did, and tried to keep the idiot where we could protect him.

Idle hope there, da Tick wanted to play.

They would track him down, and drag him bodily to the room, as soon as they let him go, he would bolt. After two or three iterations of this ignorance, I said “Fine, let'em kill him, he deserves it! We'll bury him on the beach in the morning!"

It’s now about three o’clock, I have racked out on one of the beds with my back to the room. The Tick Head leans over me and says in a whiney baby voice “What’s the matter are you sleepy?” I growl “Yes, leave me alone.” He pokes me in the back “Don’t you want to play?” I snarl “GO AWAY!” He leans over a little too much and whines in a little kid voice “I want to play!”

He has tread on my last nerve.

I rolled toward him, grabbed his collar with my right hand, stuck my right elbow in his solar plexus, and heaved. He hit the wall on the other side of the bed hard enough to take the pictures off the wall.

He slept peacefully right where he fell until morning. Great party!

1 comment:

Ambulance Driver said...

LOL...I had more than a couple of friends like that.